Why Feedback Feels Like a Gift for Some Agents… and a Grenade for Others (And What Your Brain Has to Do With It)

If you're in real estate long enough and by “long enough” I mean about five minutes, you’ll realize something fascinating:

Two agents can hear the exact same feedback, delivered in the exact same tone, at the exact same moment, and walk away having two completely different emotional experiences.

One hears a gift.
The other hears a grenade.

I see it constantly in coaching sessions. (Note: I give feedback only with permission. Always. The nervous system needs safety before it can receive direction, we’ll get into that.) But week after week, the same pattern plays out:

I say something like,
“Your follow-up is a titch inconsistent.”

Agent A nods, exhales, and says,
“Yep, fair. Let me fix that before lunch.”

Agent B?
Suddenly becomes an Olympic-level defense attorney:
“Well actually… the market… the inventory… the clients… Mercury retrograde…”

Same feedback.
Same words.
Same coach.
Same moment.

Completely different internal worlds.

One version of you is hungry.
One version of you is hiding.

And neuroscience shows us exactly why.

Why Your Brain Treats Feedback Like Danger (It’s Not Just You)

This is where most coaching advice gets feedback wrong.

Feedback isn’t inherently scary.
It’s just that your brain thinks it is.

The human brain, especially the limbic system, is wired to scan for threat. Before it scans for potential, opportunity, growth, or performance… it scans for anything that might harm you socially, emotionally, or psychologically.

In the caveman era, being rejected by your tribe was fatal.
Today, the “tribe” is your business, your team, your clients, your peers… your coach.

When someone offers feedback, even gently, your brain often interprets it as:

“You’re not safe.”
“You’re doing something wrong.”
“You’re being judged.”
“You’re losing belonging.”

And then your nervous system jumps into action.

Fight → argue, justify, push back.
Flight → shut down, over-organize, disappear into “busywork.”
Freeze → overwhelm, brain fog, blank stare.
Fawn → over-agree, nod, but change nothing.

You’re not broken.
Your brain is just doing its job, protecting you from perceived threat.

But here’s the kicker:
In real estate, the things that grow your business often feel like threats to your brain.

Scripts.
Follow-ups.
Lead generation.
Difficult conversations.
Honest feedback.

All of it pokes the emotional bear.

Solicited vs. Unsolicited Feedback (Your Nervous System Knows the Difference)

Most people never think about this, but your nervous system responds drastically differently depending on whether the feedback was requested.

Unsolicited feedback feels like intrusion.

Your brain thinks:
“I didn’t ask. I’m not ready. I’m not in control. DEFENSE MODE.”

Your prefrontal cortex shuts down.
Your amygdala takes the wheel.
Goodbye logic and growth.
Hello courtroom objections.

Solicited feedback feels like agency.

Your brain thinks:
“I chose this. I invited this. I can handle this. I’m in control.”

Your prefrontal cortex lights back up.
Learning becomes possible again.
Adaptation turns back on.
Solutions feel doable.

That’s why in my coaching I always begin with:

“Are you open to a suggestion?”
or
“Would you like feedback on that?”

It matters.
It changes your capacity to absorb what comes next.

Agents who understand this about themselves accelerate faster.
Agents who don’t… stay stuck in patterns that feel safe but keep them broke.

Let’s Self-Identify (A Little Quiz for Your Week)

Ready? Don’t overthink it.

Which of these is you this week?

Option A:

You’re on the phone, stumbling through a script, sounding awkward but improving with every rep.

Option B:

You’re color-coding your calendar for the fourth time because changing all the labels to pastel feels productive.

Option A:

You’re getting comfortable being uncomfortable.

Option B:

You’re rearranging the same three pens on your desk like you’re reconstructing a crime scene.

Option A:

You’re asking, “Okay… where am I slowing myself down?”

Option B:

You’re telling yourself, “I just need a different lead source.”
(You do not need a different lead source.)

We laugh… because it’s familiar.
We cringe… because it’s true.

But here’s the deeper layer:

Every one of these behaviors is a nervous system response.

Avoidance feels safer than action.
Reorganizing feels safer than vulnerability.
Overthinking feels safer than exposure.
Defensiveness feels safer than change.

But safer does not mean better.
Safer does not mean growth.
Safer does not mean success.

How Your Brain Processes Feedback: The Science Made Simple

Let’s break this down in human terms, no neuroscience degree required.

Your brain has three major players in the “feedback drama”:

1. The Amygdala (Alarm System):

Detects danger in milliseconds. (Before you are even aware of it!)
Doesn’t care if the “danger” is a tiger or a calendar critique.
If it feels like judgment → alarm activated.

2. The Prefrontal Cortex (Executive Function):

Handles logic, growth, goal-setting, future pacing, learning.
You need this part online to integrate feedback.

3. The Insula (Emotional Integration):

Translates physical sensations (tight chest, throat knot, heat, overwhelm) into meaning.
This is why feedback feels “physical.”

When feedback comes in, here’s what happens:

• If the amygdala activates → the prefrontal cortex shuts down.

• If the amygdala stays calm → the prefrontal cortex stays open.

Translation:

If your body feels safe, feedback becomes fuel.
If your body feels unsafe, feedback becomes threat.

This is why two agents hear the same sentence and walk away with entirely different emotional realities.

It has nothing to do with skill.
Nothing to do with intelligence.
Nothing to do with motivation.

It has everything to do with the brain state they’re in when the feedback arrives.

Why Hungry Agents Grow Faster (It’s Not Discipline… It’s Tolerance)

People think Agent A grows faster because they “want it more.”

Nope.

Agent A grows faster because they have a higher tolerance for productive discomfort.

They don’t fall apart when they’re awkward.
They don’t spiral when they’re corrected.
They don’t personalize feedback.
They don’t over-identify with old habits.

They can feel the discomfort and move anyway.

Not because they’re fearless.

Because they’ve unhooked discomfort from danger.
And from there, learning becomes speed.

Agent B?
Still defending last year’s version of themselves.
Still protecting their ego from tiny dings.
Still letting avoidance costume itself as “strategy.”
Still spinning in the mental loop of “I know what to do, I just can’t do it.”

Hungry agents make peace with being human before they chase being perfect.

Solicited Feedback as a Superpower (Yes, Really)

When you ask for feedback, specifically, when you ask for it with intention, you flip the entire brain script.

You’re telling your nervous system:

“I choose this.
I want this.
I can handle this.”

Suddenly:

• You hear solutions instead of criticism.

• You feel possibility instead of pressure.

• You take action instead of shutting down.

• You welcome clarity instead of resisting it.

In coaching, I can literally watch your body language change when you say, “Yes, I’m open to feedback.”

Your shoulders drop.
Your breathing evens out.
Your eyes soften.
Your jokes get less defensive and more grounded.

Permission puts your brain back into learning mode.

Unsolicited Feedback? That’s Another Story.

Unsolicited feedback often hits the nervous system like somebody has walked into your house without knocking.

You weren’t ready.
You weren’t open.
You weren’t in a learning state.

So your brain goes into lockdown.

Unsolicited feedback is notorious for creating:

• defensiveness

• shutdown

• irritation

• shame spirals

• resistance

• perfectionism

• withdrawal

It takes a highly regulated nervous system to receive unsolicited truth.

Some people have that.
Most don’t.

This is why how you deliver feedback inside teams matters.
This is why when you ask for help matters.
This is why permission before critique is non-negotiable.

Not because you’re fragile.
But because your brain is patterned.

And patterns can be changed, but they need a safe entry point.

So… What Do You Do With All This?

The agents who take off, the ones who double their production, reinvent themselves, and finally get out of their own way, they aren’t the ones who avoid discomfort.

They’re the ones who are willing to examine it.

They ask better questions:

Where am I protecting old behaviors?
Where am I using “strategy” as a disguise for fear?
Where am I negotiating with myself instead of executing?
Where am I personalizing feedback instead of using it?
Where am I avoiding the truth that would set me free?

And most importantly:

Where am I fighting the exact feedback that would actually change everything?

When you stop defending who you’ve been…
you create space to become who you want to be.

When you stop resisting the mirror…
you see what’s been in your way.

When you stop treating feedback like a threat…
you start treating it like a compass.

And that’s where growth actually begins.

Your Week Starts Here

So before you sprint into this week, take a moment.

Check in with yourself:

Where did you contract last week?
Where did you deflect?
Where did you hide behind “busy”?
Where did you avoid the thing that mattered most?
Where did feedback make you bristle instead of breathe?

And then ask the question that changes everything:

What can you create from that?

Not “What did I do wrong?”
Not “Why am I like this?”
Not “What’s the perfect plan?”
Not “What new tool do I need?”

Just:

What can I create from knowing this about myself?

That question taps your prefrontal cortex.
It awakens your problem-solving brain.
It lifts you out of shame and into agency.
It turns feedback into fuel.

It’s the doorway to the future version of you, the one who isn’t waiting for confidence, permission, or the perfect moment.

The one who is building, growing, shifting, adjusting, and becoming… right now.

And the good news?

You can start today.
Right where you are.
In the state you’re in.
With the tools you already have.

Your brain is trainable.
Your patterns are adaptable.
Your future is editable.

The question is simply:

Are you willing to see the truth that frees you and use it?

Because once you do… everything starts to open.

A Time Sensitive Invitation: For the Agent Who Felt This in Their Bones

If you recognized yourself in this article…
If you felt that little internal “ugh… she’s talking about me”…
If you can see the places where your nervous system is running your business more than your strategy is…

then this is your opening.

For Black Friday, I created a tiny-but-mighty coaching container specifically for agents who keep saying:

“I know what to do… I just can’t get myself to do it.”

It’s intentionally small.
Intentionally supportive.
Intentionally designed to help you break the avoidance cycle gently, without overwhelming your nervous system.

Option 1: $150 — Two 30-Minute Power Calls

Fast, focused, and designed to clear the mental clutter that keeps you stuck.

Option 2: $1,500 — Ten Full Sessions (Two 1-Hour Calls/Month)

Deeper work, stronger support, and the structure you need to finally match your potential with your production.

Not quite ready? You can bank hours for January.

Enroll now, use the calls later.
Simple. Clean. Safe.

This offer won’t live long, once it’s gone, it’s gone.

But if your gut whispered “this is exactly what I need”…listen to it.

Your nervous system resists discomfort, your goals require it.

And if you’re ready to bridge that gap,
you know where to find me.

United Agents from Contracted United Offices, as always, schedule your sessions here.